SHAME BASED PERSONALITY
Our well-being doesn't always depend on the circumstances, but also on how we interpret and react to past and present situations. I want to talk about a phenomenon we all once observed and felt at some point, but never really looked at in detail. Shame is about seeing yourself as a bad, worthless and defective person. Shame is a mindset that something is wrong with you and that your worth is decided by someone else. You develop a belief that others also know that he is worthless. You become vulnerable and either "try too hard" to not make any mistakes and/or feel that you cannot meet the expectations.
✔Fear of negative social evaluation. You then have difficulties with developing social relationships, as you believe others will reject you. You constantly compare yourself to others in aspects like the looks, wealth, a number of friends, and unconsciously seek arguments to support why you are less of a person.
✔Perfectionism. Mistakes are seen as an evidence of worthlessness. They aren't seen as isolated events, but are generalized to describe the entire self.
✔Love. You think you don't have anything to offer, run away when there is a problem, and blame yourself even when it was partner's fault. You are likely to start a relationship with the first person who shows interest. You don't fully open up to his partner, and tries to be another version of yourself to meet the expectations.
☑ The rules are set by the parent, so the child gets praised for behavior that makes the parent look good, and gets negative reaction when he does something the parent doesn’t like. This people- centric feedback makes the child think that his badness is determined by his failures and that these failures cannot be reversed. If the child is heavily influenced by parents’ opinion, he is prone to being influenced by others’ opinion in adult life.
☑ The mindset that is being passed to the child: I must follow the norms and make no mistakes to be loved. I want to be myself, but am afraid of being myself. It is because then I will be seen as a bad person and will upset my parents.
✔Fear of negative social evaluation. You then have difficulties with developing social relationships, as you believe others will reject you. You constantly compare yourself to others in aspects like the looks, wealth, a number of friends, and unconsciously seek arguments to support why you are less of a person.
✔Perfectionism. Mistakes are seen as an evidence of worthlessness. They aren't seen as isolated events, but are generalized to describe the entire self.
✔Love. You think you don't have anything to offer, run away when there is a problem, and blame yourself even when it was partner's fault. You are likely to start a relationship with the first person who shows interest. You don't fully open up to his partner, and tries to be another version of yourself to meet the expectations.
Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the who you want people to think you are.
Shame also has a tendency to affect the relationship with kids and distort objective thinking. And maybe that explains why you feel shame that often. Shame based parents psychologically control their children to reduce their own shame and vulnerability. The parent invades child’s inner self, takes away his autonomy, and doesn’t recognize that he is psychologically separate. When the parent identifies himself with his child to such extent, allowing the child to be a unique individual equals a rejection to self. This leads to controlling and/or critical parenting:
☑ The rules are set by the parent, so the child gets praised for behavior that makes the parent look good, and gets negative reaction when he does something the parent doesn’t like. This people- centric feedback makes the child think that his badness is determined by his failures and that these failures cannot be reversed. If the child is heavily influenced by parents’ opinion, he is prone to being influenced by others’ opinion in adult life.
☑ The mindset that is being passed to the child: I must follow the norms and make no mistakes to be loved. I want to be myself, but am afraid of being myself. It is because then I will be seen as a bad person and will upset my parents.
We are very biased as human beings. We get all those feelings, but do not always interpret them well. Maybe the shame you once felt was not because you did something wrong, but because you developed a mindset that does not allow you to think otherwise.
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